The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
