he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
