if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize