Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
