I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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