remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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