ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
even my farts smell like vagina
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
