that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
