btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
