onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize