it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
