I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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