There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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