I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
