just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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