My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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