I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
