you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
