Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I see more hoeing in ur future
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