My balls are so social today.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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