An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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