hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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