Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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