I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
