Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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