I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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