Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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