ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
