one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
