seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
