my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
