i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
