At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize