so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
