feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
