I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
