i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
