im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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