Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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