Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
