Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
