I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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