When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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