Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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