Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
