My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
