Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
