you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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