Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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