Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
