I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
