I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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