the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
