is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
