New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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