I could have mohawked her pubes.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
