not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
organizing the empties. That sober.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
